{"id":4708,"date":"2023-09-27T05:44:00","date_gmt":"2023-09-27T09:44:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/?p=4708"},"modified":"2023-09-26T22:03:12","modified_gmt":"2023-09-27T02:03:12","slug":"baptized-by-grief-lingering-september","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/baptized-by-grief-lingering-september\/","title":{"rendered":"Baptized by Grief: Lingering September"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote\">\n<p>\u201cThe deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.<br>Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter\u2019s oven?<br>And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?<br>When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.<br>When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.\u201d <\/p>\n<cite>\u2013Khalil Gibran<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>September 27th is the hardest day of the year for me. It\u2019s the day my father died, so consequently I feel both closer to him on this day and much further away. My loss is not unique\u2013except to me\u2013but I believe I have learned so much from it over the last three years. I always feel as though I cocoon myself throughout September and emerge on the other side with a greater understanding of the love I have for my dad and the complexity around navigating his death without drowning in the maelstrom of heartache.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In this essay, I delve into the complex emotions surrounding this loss, including my personal journey facing my keen fear of death, isolation, and the inevitable passage of time.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>My love for him will always be there, as will my grief, but I am learning to weave it throughout my life.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote\">\n<p>And that\u2019s the truth about grief: loss gets integrated, not overcome.\u200ak<\/p>\n<cite>\u2014\u200aMegan Devine, It\u2019s Ok That You\u2019re Not Ok<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity is-style-dots\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p>I was almost always afraid of three things when I was younger:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>The dark<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Spiders and bugs<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>\u2026and Death<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>These fears lasted well into adulthood for me and my fear of death was prompted by five family losses in a row during college, culminating in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/JenniferLynn128\/posts\/pfbid0dtS976rvSm22KyYkrCDCMm3nsafvKXyVLPqx7wEWCSZ3pW3UvdHf6Yqp7uJ5RB8fl\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">the death of my stepfather<\/a>, Gary, in 2003, which was particularly devastating to me. Prior to these years, I had rarely given death a passing thought, because in my young, immature mind it was reserved for \u201cold people\u201d who had lived very full lives and could go on to whatever was next satisfied with their experiences, <em>not<\/em> 48-year-olds with kids and an enthusiasm for life. I had not yet been touched by a deeply profound loss, so to lose a parent at the end of that run of deaths, especially as a young adult\u2026 I was wholly unprepared for navigating the aftermath and became <em>desperately<\/em> afraid of dying.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n<style>.kb-image4708_8f6c45-dd.kb-image-is-ratio-size, .kb-image4708_8f6c45-dd .kb-image-is-ratio-size{max-width:277px;width:100%;}.wp-block-kadence-column > .kt-inside-inner-col > .kb-image4708_8f6c45-dd.kb-image-is-ratio-size, .wp-block-kadence-column > .kt-inside-inner-col > .kb-image4708_8f6c45-dd .kb-image-is-ratio-size{align-self:unset;}.kb-image4708_8f6c45-dd figure{max-width:277px;}.kb-image4708_8f6c45-dd .image-is-svg, .kb-image4708_8f6c45-dd .image-is-svg img{width:100%;}.kb-image4708_8f6c45-dd .kb-image-has-overlay:after{opacity:0.3;}<\/style>\n<div class=\"wp-block-kadence-image kb-image4708_8f6c45-dd\"><figure class=\"alignleft size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"277\" height=\"300\" src=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/fam3-copy.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"kb-img wp-image-4725\"\/><figcaption>Left to right: Me, my stepsister and stepfather<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>I was suddenly aware of my mortality and decided if I had a choice, I\u2019d choose to live forever, because the fear of the dying without knowing what comes next was altogether more than I could bear. I was afraid of not living to see what happens next in this world. The idea that it all just stops <em>still<\/em> gives me a cold chill in my bones, and helps me understand why some people find comfort in religion, because it\u2019s a connection to their past <strong>and<\/strong> their future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m agnostic and I don\u2019t know what happens after death, if there is an \u201cafter\u201d (I certainly hope and have to believe there is), or if everything just goes black upon death. A void of Nothing, the scariest of all. The Nothing was coming for me just as it threatened the characters in <em>The Neverending Story<\/em>. Surely our souls are not just\u2026 <em>gone<\/em>, right? Because life feels so much bigger to me than a corporeal body with two feet planted firmly on soil.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Somewhere along the way, I stopped being afraid of the dark (well, mostly\u2026 I have some theories on sensitivity to the \u201cother side\u201d that perhaps heightened certain fears when I was a kid).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I will never get over my fear of spiders and bugs, excepting tarantulas and only because they are fuzzy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><em>But I\u2019m no longer afraid of&nbsp;death.<\/em><\/h4>\n\n\n\t\t\t\t\t<div\n\t\t\t\t\t\tclass=\"wp-block-uagb-image-gallery uagb-block-17986fae     \"\n\t\t\t\t\t\tstyle=\"\"\n\t\t\t\t\t>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery spectra-image-gallery__layout--grid spectra-image-gallery__layout--grid-col-2 spectra-image-gallery__layout--grid-col-tab-4 spectra-image-gallery__layout--grid-col-mob-4\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class='spectra-image-gallery__media-wrapper' data-spectra-gallery-image-id='4714'>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media spectra-image-gallery__media--grid\">\n\t\t\t\t<picture>\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 1024px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Adams-Family-Post-79-1266-4K-1-1024x717.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 768px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Adams-Family-Post-79-1266-4K-1-1024x717.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<img decoding=\"async\" class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail--grid\" src=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Adams-Family-Post-79-1266-4K-1-300x210.jpg\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" \/>\n\t\t\t\t<\/picture>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-blurrer\"><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\tMe and my dad in Virginia Beach, c. 1985\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class='spectra-image-gallery__media-wrapper' data-spectra-gallery-image-id='4715'>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media spectra-image-gallery__media--grid\">\n\t\t\t\t<picture>\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 1024px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Adams-Family-Post-79-1310-X4-1-735x1024.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 768px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Adams-Family-Post-79-1310-X4-1-735x1024.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<img decoding=\"async\" class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail--grid\" src=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Adams-Family-Post-79-1310-X4-1-215x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" \/>\n\t\t\t\t<\/picture>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-blurrer\"><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\tIn Wyoming on a family camping trip in August 1992\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class='spectra-image-gallery__media-wrapper' data-spectra-gallery-image-id='4716'>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media spectra-image-gallery__media--grid\">\n\t\t\t\t<picture>\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 1024px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Adams-Family-Post-79-1515-X5-1-1024x729.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 768px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Adams-Family-Post-79-1515-X5-1-1024x729.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<img decoding=\"async\" class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail--grid\" src=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Adams-Family-Post-79-1515-X5-1-300x214.jpg\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" \/>\n\t\t\t\t<\/picture>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-blurrer\"><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\tMy older sister, my dad, and me in 1988 at the Castillo de San Marcos fort in St. Augustine, Florida.\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class='spectra-image-gallery__media-wrapper' data-spectra-gallery-image-id='4717'>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media spectra-image-gallery__media--grid\">\n\t\t\t\t<picture>\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 1024px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Dennis-Military-121-4K-1-1024x722.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 768px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Dennis-Military-121-4K-1-1024x722.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<img decoding=\"async\" class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail--grid\" src=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Dennis-Military-121-4K-1-300x212.jpg\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" \/>\n\t\t\t\t<\/picture>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-blurrer\"><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\ty dad after joining the NAVY, likely in Hawai&#8217;i\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class='spectra-image-gallery__media-wrapper' data-spectra-gallery-image-id='4718'>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media spectra-image-gallery__media--grid\">\n\t\t\t\t<picture>\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 1024px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Dennis-Military-145-1-1024x692.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 768px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Dennis-Military-145-1-1024x692.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<img decoding=\"async\" class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail--grid\" src=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Dennis-Military-145-1-300x203.jpg\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" \/>\n\t\t\t\t<\/picture>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-blurrer\"><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\tMy grandmother, dad, and grandpa.\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class='spectra-image-gallery__media-wrapper' data-spectra-gallery-image-id='4719'>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media spectra-image-gallery__media--grid\">\n\t\t\t\t<picture>\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 1024px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Dennis-Military-186-4K-1-1024x651.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 768px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Dennis-Military-186-4K-1-1024x651.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<img decoding=\"async\" class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail--grid\" src=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Dennis-Military-186-4K-1-300x191.jpg\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" \/>\n\t\t\t\t<\/picture>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-blurrer\"><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\tMy dad in Hawai&#8217;i climbing a palm tree\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class='spectra-image-gallery__media-wrapper' data-spectra-gallery-image-id='4720'>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media spectra-image-gallery__media--grid\">\n\t\t\t\t<picture>\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 1024px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Dennis-Military-195-4K-1-1024x683.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 768px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Dennis-Military-195-4K-1-1024x683.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<img decoding=\"async\" class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail--grid\" src=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/Dennis-Military-195-4K-1-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" \/>\n\t\t\t\t<\/picture>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-blurrer\"><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\tMy dad on a ship, somewhere in the Pacific.\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class='spectra-image-gallery__media-wrapper' data-spectra-gallery-image-id='4721'>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media spectra-image-gallery__media--grid\">\n\t\t\t\t<picture>\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 1024px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/1957644_10152746051621171_6854722713930141711_o-1-1024x684.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<source media=\"(min-width: 768px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/1957644_10152746051621171_6854722713930141711_o-1-1024x684.jpg\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<img decoding=\"async\" class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail--grid\" src=\"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/1957644_10152746051621171_6854722713930141711_o-1-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" \/>\n\t\t\t\t<\/picture>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-blurrer\"><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption-wrapper--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption spectra-image-gallery__media-thumbnail-caption--overlay\">\n\t\t\t\t\tMe, my dad, and my sister on my wedding day.\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\n\n<p>At some point, I realized that living forever would become lonely. And as I\u2019ve lost loved ones, I find myself yearning for the propitious Next because I want to see them again. I\u2019ve often said that <a href=\"https:\/\/medium.com\/@jennifer-james\/365-days-after-the-death-of-my-father-im-still-here-and-telling-his-stories-afe6ac0379a3\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">I don\u2019t feel like my dad is really \u201cgone\u201d<\/a>; rather, he is in some other dimension, almost close enough to touch <em>if I could just figure out how to reach him<\/em>, impatiently waiting for all of us to catch up with him so he can show us around.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And\u2013at the very least\u2013if there truly is nothing after this life, the Black Nothing will be a welcome relief from the loneliness of losing the really important people. I no longer want to live forever. <em>Because it\u2019s the span of time without them that is scary. Not death.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity is-style-dots\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p>September is now always laden with memories and emotions for me. Today, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/JenniferLynn128\/posts\/pfbid02PkhgJevQfxLN6snDVAaL22Wmxv1jMfeDsdBLH89Hpq2TzEx8rBNq3TQVwufDzpG7l\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">it has been three years since my dad died<\/a> and it\u2019s honestly hard to believe or comprehend that this much time has already passed, because it simultaneously feels like ages ago <em>and<\/em> yesterday. Time becomes muddled with this weird juxtaposition. Sometimes I still stop and boggle at the idea that he isn\u2019t here and the world no longer gets to benefit from his good humor, kindness, and creativity. I can apparently still be shocked by this aging revelation and somehow I doubt that shock <em>ever<\/em> <em>really<\/em> goes away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes I look in the mirror just to see his eyes again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I was so afraid of making it to this point, this \u2018it\u2019s been years now\u2019 thing because: 1) I feel guilty for continuing to lead a happy, successful life without him, even though I know that is exactly what he wanted for me; and 2) it means I\u2019ve lived this long without him already.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I recently had a conversation with my stepmom about surviving your parents\u2019 deaths when you\u2019re young. She was in her 30s when she lost her dad and sister and has now lived nearly 40 years without them, and almost 25 without her mom, my step-grandma who passed away during my freshman year of college. She faced a similar realization: <em>that she had decades without them ahead of her<\/em>. While I was only 23 when my stepdad died, I hadn\u2019t yet linked the stretch of years ahead of me without him to his passing; instead, I only developed a fear of dying. Now, though\u2026 I have a new appreciation and sympathy for my little sister, who not only lost her father the day after she turned 19 but has now lived more of her life without him<em> than with him.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I was (\u201conly\u201d) 40 when my dad died and it\u2019s unthinkable to fathom that I still have potential <strong>decades<\/strong> in front of me without his wisdom and guidance. It\u2019s\u2026 scary. And lonely. And all those other grief-feelings that happen as time quite literally marches on without him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s the span of time without them that is scary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And will I forget what he sounds like? I\u2019m afraid of that, too. Sometimes I see someone that looks so much like him, or has his mannerisms, and my heart skips. Until I remember that he is no longer here and if there does happen to be an After, I still have to wait a long time to get there so I can see him again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>It\u2019s the span of time without them that is scary.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The irony is not lost on me that my fear of death has been replaced by a fear of living a long life. Make no mistake, I <strong>do<\/strong> want to live a long and happy life, and I am. It\u2019s full and rich <em>and promising,<\/em> and I enjoy it very much. It\u2019s just the doing-it-without-certain-loved-ones part that occasionally makes me sad and anxious. When he died, I wrote that the death of your parents is something you expect to experience simply due to the natural order of life but is a rather abstract concept until it happens to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Most of my circle still has both parents; my own mother still has both of hers. None of them understands this kind of grief, <em>not really<\/em>. But since his death, I\u2019ve had several other friends who have lost parents for the first time, and I find myself reaching out to them, because facing it when you are younger than you should be, before it\u2019s \u201csupposed\u201d to happen, is a lonely experience in and of itself. I also reach out because it helps me, too. It\u2019s not just the loss; it\u2019s the losing <strong>and<\/strong> feeling like there is no one else on this earth who can hold your hand in recognition, hug you, and say, <em>\u201cYes, it sucks. It\u2019s hard. It sucks. You\u2019ll never get over it but you\u2019ll learn how to integrate it. It really, really sucks.\u201d<\/em> It\u2019s feeling like you aren\u2019t given space for your Grief as people expect you to abide by some artbitrary timeline, and knowing that Grief will forever be a passenger now\u2026 sometimes (often) silent, but <em>always<\/em> there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s the loneliness when the people in your life offer well-meant but misguided platitudes such as \u201cHe\u2019s in the arms of God now.\u201d or \u201cAt least he\u2019s no longer suffering.\u201d Or they try to correlate your loss with their \u201cmuch-lesser experience\u201d, whether it\u2019s a rift with a family member to whom they\u2019ve stopped talking, or the death of a beloved pet. And this is not criticizing them or diminishing what they have gone through; in fact, the largest part of me feels relief they <em>don\u2019t<\/em> understand because it means they\u2019ve never had to experience it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote\">\n<p>\u201cWe\u2019ve all fumbled for words, knowing no words can ever make things right. No one can win: grieving people feel misunderstood, and friends and family feel helpless and stupid in the face of grief. \u201c\u200a\u2014\u200aMegan Devine, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodreads.com\/book\/show\/35993689-it-s-ok-that-you-re-not-ok\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\"><em>It\u2019s Ok That You\u2019re Not Ok<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s the isolation you feel when there is no one who understands your grief\u2013<strong><em>and<\/em><\/strong><em> the injustice of it<\/em>. It\u2019s as if you\u2019re on a deserted island, Population: You. And you stand there, alone but for the sand and trees, while you wait for the storm to pass, wondering if and when you\u2019ll see them again as you are baptized by a tsunami of longing and despair crashing upon your shores.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Even as others who also loved your person stand on their own islands, feeling cut off and alone, fervently wishing they could turn back time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s knowing that, despite years and years <em>and years<\/em> passing, the specter of Grief can <em>and will<\/em> sneak up and grab you by the throat when you least expect it, choking you and crushing your windpipe, to remind you of all the time that has passed and all the time yet remaining.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Because it\u2019s the span of time without them <em>that is actually the scariest of all.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Not the dark. Not spiders. <em>Not even death.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Time. And the unknown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes I look back on pictures of my father and I wonder if he would have done anything differently had he known his death date. Wouldn\u2019t we all? After all, he died reluctantly\u2013even recalcitrantly\u2013not yet ready to stop because he still had so much of life he wanted to experience. Perhaps he would have retired earlier. But I like to think nothing would have changed for him because he met each day with unwavering positivity and boundless energy. I\u2019m uncertain how it could have improved beyond that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>September is always the longest, loneliest month for me now. As September 27th approaches, Time seems to slow down, as if it desperately requires my acknowledgment that <strong>it<\/strong> is in control, <em>not me<\/em>. A constant reminder that so much of life is luck and simply what we make of the time we\u2019re given. Because it stops for no one, and we never know how much of it we have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=GRCm6D1YJno&amp;t=20s\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">Billy Joe Armstrong says<\/a> about his own father\u2019s death:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote\">\n<p>\u201cLike my father\u2019s come to pass<br>[Three] years has gone so fast<br>Wake me up when September ends.\u201d<\/p>\n<cite>\u2013Billie Joe Armstrong, Green Day<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-video is-provider-youtube wp-block-embed-youtube wp-embed-aspect-16-9 wp-has-aspect-ratio\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"Green Day \u201cWake Me Up When September Ends\u201d Live on the Howard Stern Show\" width=\"356\" height=\"200\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/GRCm6D1YJno?start=21&#038;feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cThe deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter\u2019s oven?And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?When you are joyous, look deep into your heart&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4712,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","_eb_attr":"","_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_kad_blocks_custom_css":"","_kad_blocks_head_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_body_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_footer_custom_js":"","_kadence_starter_templates_imported_post":false,"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[274],"tags":[279,280,282,281],"fbg_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/35540100_10156389231521171_5088847826926960640_n.jpg",2048,1365,false],"thumbnail":["https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/35540100_10156389231521171_5088847826926960640_n-150x150.jpg",150,150,true],"medium":["https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/35540100_10156389231521171_5088847826926960640_n-300x200.jpg",300,200,true],"medium_large":["https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/35540100_10156389231521171_5088847826926960640_n-768x512.jpg",1,1,true],"large":["https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/35540100_10156389231521171_5088847826926960640_n-1024x683.jpg",1,1,true],"1536x1536":["https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/35540100_10156389231521171_5088847826926960640_n-1536x1024.jpg",1536,1024,true],"2048x2048":["https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/35540100_10156389231521171_5088847826926960640_n.jpg",2048,1365,false],"woocommerce_thumbnail":["https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/35540100_10156389231521171_5088847826926960640_n-400x400.jpg",400,400,true],"woocommerce_single":["https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/35540100_10156389231521171_5088847826926960640_n-510x340.jpg",510,340,true],"woocommerce_gallery_thumbnail":["https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/35540100_10156389231521171_5088847826926960640_n-100x100.jpg",100,100,true]},"fbg_excerpt":"\u201cThe deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter\u2019s oven?And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?When you are joyous, look deep into your heart...","taxonomy_info":{"category":[{"value":274,"label":"Personal Topics"}],"post_tag":[{"value":279,"label":"fears"},{"value":280,"label":"grief"},{"value":282,"label":"loss"},{"value":281,"label":"time"}]},"featured_image_src_large":["https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/35540100_10156389231521171_5088847826926960640_n-1024x683.jpg",1,1,true],"author_info":{"display_name":"Jennifer James","author_link":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/author\/jenniferljames\/"},"comment_info":1,"category_info":[{"term_id":274,"name":"Personal 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James","author_link":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/author\/jenniferljames\/"},"uagb_comment_info":1,"uagb_excerpt":"\u201cThe deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter\u2019s oven?And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?When you are joyous, look deep into your heart...","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4708"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4708"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4708\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4732,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4708\/revisions\/4732"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4712"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4708"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4708"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferlynnjames.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4708"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}